Ramblings from Aug 16, 2019

So i was about to take a shower and Illusive Knight by Jay Brannan comes on and i begin to live bits and pieces of my past where i felt romantically alone during fluctuating stretches of lonliness and then Taking Over Me by Evanescence began and im drawn back even further when i was a teenager and used to cut myself over the rampant feelings that i kept concealed as i continued to find acceptance in myself, but could only watch and wonder “what if”.  Even after all these years, I havent grown out of that person i was. I dont think we really change but simply compile on more editions of ourselves… you know, modify. Either it was simply the steam and water flooding my senses or perhaps the pains of despair washing over my perceptions but I became aware of one truth about my self over these years. A part of my core is emotionally reliant on others no matter how my visage oozes a sense of grounded independence. In the end, if I was single, id gradually lose stability and be floating in a vat of my own demons drumming skepticism, worries, and hopelessness with increasing sporatic tempo until i ultimately self harm or simply skip to the end.